“It’s a good day to be a piece of paper,” says one jubilant staff member. 

In what can only be described as a momentous occasion rivalling the invention of the paperclip itself, Woodfordia’s main office has welcomed two new photocopiers to its hallowed halls: Bluey and Bingo. 

The arrival of this dynamic canine-themed duo marks the latest chapter in what has become an increasingly fraught love affair between the organisation and its various mechanical reproduction devices. 

This might be Bingo…it may take a bit of time for staff to figure out

how to properly curse at, er, make friends with the new machines.

“We’ve come a long way since Bessie,” mused one long-suffering staff member, gazing wistfully at a framed photograph of the organisation’s first ‘fancy’ photocopier. Bessie, named on the principle that no one could possibly swear at someone named Bessie (a theory that was, regrettably, proven incorrect within the first month), had the distinguished honour of being the machine that started it all — before unceremoniously departing this mortal coil at speeds that defied logical explanation. 

Enter Woody and Buzz, the beloved Toy Story successors who promised eternal companionship. They did not deliver on this promise. They lasted approximately as long as a layout plan for the festival precinct before being wheeled off to the great recycling centre in the sky. 

Off to pasture now in the dusty tomb of Treasury, there was the short-lived interlude with Bo Peep, who most staff have forgotten… how could they remember that one photocopier they could never connect to, with a printer driver so elusive, so mysterious, that even that genius IT volunteer couldn’t shepherd it into the functional world.  

Let’s not forget Bubbles and Bobo — an ambitious pairing consisting of one very large printer and one very large laminator, respectively. Bobo, as it turned out, possessed all the temperament of a first-time festival goer waiting in line at the Eastern Bloc gates and presented roughly twice the challenge in getting it to follow instructions. Bubbles, meanwhile, simply popped off one day, as though it had decided it had had quite enough of the whole photocopying experience.  

And then there was Allan. Due to post-traumatic anxiety, the staff would prefer it if Allan wasn’t mentioned. Pretend you didn’t read this and don’t say its name in front of any staff who have been around more than 15 years.  

Steve — Good ole Steve, as he’s affectionately known — rode in to save the day as Allan’s replacement and has spent the last several years doing an admirable job of not spectacularly failing. 

The next generation in the family tree of photocopiers took a turn towards the glitz and glamour of Hollywood, when Harry and Sally were welcomed into the not-quite-as-glamourous halls of Woodfordia. The romance that everyone loved… until they didn’t. Their brilliance faded along with the cyan toner cartridge, so much so that even the technician had to admit defeat. 

But now, the future is here. Welcome, Bluey and Bingo. 

May your ink toner never run dry. May our computers always — always — be able to connect to you without requiring a blood sacrifice and three angry prayers. And may the paper, that fragile and noble substrate upon which your entire purpose rests, never, ever become jammed in the impenetrable inner bowels of your mechanical being. 

We believe in you. Please don’t let us down. Especially not at 11pm on the 24th of December.